To three, or not to three..

That seems to be the all-consuming question… 😦😦

When I was pregnant with Tilly, we decided she would be our one and only. At the time, that seemed like a very sensible choice. Neither Hubs or I had spent our earlier years longing for parenthood and the decision to even have one had only been made quite recently #fertile 😂 

Then my back to work plans didn’t work out, and in the course of deciding what next for us, the decision to have a second came about. Three weeks later, so did the baby 😉 #actualfertile #seriouslydontevenlookatme

We were blessed with one of each, which was neither here nor there really. No matter what gender George had been, two was our limit.

Or was it?

As with many other areas of our life, moving to Feilding saw us question this. Perhaps, we thought, we could do it again? What’s one more, right??

So we made the decision to try for a third.

And, like many women before me in the throes of TTC, I started tracking ovulation, peeing on more sticks than I care to admit and getting my hopes up every time I cast an admiring eye at a jar of pickles.
Here’s the thing though, I buried myself in it. And I ignored the fact that beneath the surface, quietly simmering away, was doubt. And it needed to be addressed.

Doubt presented itself in many threads of thought. 

Do I want to go through this again? Do I want to give my body up for another two years? The children have just started sleeping. I want to travel sooner. I miss being on stage. The kids are starting to manage quite well with sitters.

And, the most important..

What about my mental health?

That’s what it was about, really. The other reasons were definite contributing factors but the key component was that finally I was feeling well and I wasn’t sure I was willing to potentially compromise that.

Am I selfish? Perhaps. But sometimes we have to be. Sometimes we need to make the hard decision in order to preserve something else. And it is a hard decision. We have put it on hold for 6 months but I’m pretty sure I know what we’ll choose. And there is a slight mourning for the baby that might have been but also a relief that we can move onto the next phase of our lives, as a family of four.

Also, through all of this, I have realised how blessed I am to even be able to make this choice – either way. To all the mama’s who have struggled, or had that choice taken away entirely, my heart is with you ❤

Thanks for reading, pals.

Until next time 
Ta ra for now

C x

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